MITCH HEDBERG favorite quotes

[waroriole]

I was inspired to start this thread after seeing itsernst's signature line. Here are some of my favorites:

I have a king sized bed, i don't know any kings, but if i ever meet one i can tell him "you will not believe what i have in store for you!" "This is made to your exact specifications!" I think I can set your lady up as well. When i was little i used to lay in my twin sized bed at night wondering where my brother was.

Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for ‘sale’. Please alphabetize ‘it’.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a "baby naming book". Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

I like playing tennis, but it's depressing because no matter how good I am, I will never be as good as a wall.

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

[Goop]

Great thread! I love Mitch Hedberg's work. The man is just downright hilarious. :clap3:

I don't have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks sh**.

I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's three a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!" :wedge:

[Pushmonkey]

THe good always die to young.

[Tank]

Mitch Hedberg is amazing. Good thread.

[Mu'ayyidSaafir]

I saw Mitch perform on the University of Chicago campus. Somebody runs on stage and interrupts the show. The guy apologizes and says that he's an aspiring comedian, needs exposure, etc. So Mitch asks him to tell a joke. The guy says, "I told my mom that I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up. She said 'take another couple of bong hits and think about it before you throw away your life.'" Everyone's kind of mad at the guy for interrupting the show, and nobody really laughs. The guy slinks back to his seat. Mitch goes on with the set, then later on he tells the exact same joke. Huge laughs. Mitch turns to the guy and says, in the coolest way possible, "it's all in the delivery." He died about a month later.

[Goop]

I never got to see him live. He was scheduled to be in Richmond about a week after he died.

[ledzepp8]

(Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this god damn thing! This ****in' thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say "What the hell?" and I'll pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus."

[Danielos38]

There are too many hilarious quotes to name just a few.

On a semi-related note, I saw someone with a Mitch Hedberg t shirt that I really thought about buying. It was all black and had an outline of an escalator on the front and and outline of Mitch Hedberg walking up the escalator to a cloud (heaven). On the shirt it said, "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convinience."

It was something like this (http://www.fluxw.com/mitchtrib.jpg) just without color.

[Mackus]

"I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that."

A personal favorite for autobiographical reasons.

I saw his 2nd to last show, about 3 days before he died, at Maryland. He was great.

[Tank]

Unfortunately I never got to see him perform live. I do have his CD though, and still listen to it occasionally.

"If I think of a joke, but my pen is too far away, I just convince myself that the joke I just thought of was not funny." (paraphrasing)

[Baroquen131]

I'm guessing I'm not the only one reading all of these jokes with his emPHATic... deLIV'ry....

Good thread.

[waroriole]

I'm guessing I'm not the only one reading all of these jokes with his emPHATic... deLIV'ry....

Good thread.

Everytime I listen to his CD's I end up talking like him for about a day.

I saw him in Birmingham, and it was the most I've ever laughed in my life.

My favorite joke is the Dufrain's waiting in line at the restaurant, but it's too lengthy to put in here.

[BaltimoreTerp]

Everytime I listen to his CD's I end up talking like him for about a day.

I saw him in Birmingham, and it was the most I've ever laughed in my life.

My favorite joke is the Dufrain's waiting in line at the restaurant, but it's too lengthy to put in here.

Search party of two!

I love baked potatos, but they take too long to cook. Sometimes I'll put one in the oven even if I'm not hungry, because by the time it's finished cooking, who knows?

[Balmer Bomber]

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."

[The Wedge]

I don't play sports. I mean, I drink Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes.

[itsernst]

please see my sig. :D

[rolliefingers]

My friend said to me "Man, the weather's trippy." I said "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy; perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is, indeed, trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said 'Yeah'"

Been there. RIP.

[beaner]

Last week I helped my friend stay put, it's a lot easier than helping him move. I just went over there and made sure he did not load s*** into a truck.


I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something.

When I was a kid, I used to lay in my twin bed and wonder where my brother was.

[Leitch]

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

[beaner]

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Thats a great one, but makes his death suck all that much more.

[The Wedge]

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.

I love the FedEx guy, because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it.

Why do they call it corn on the cob? That's like if you cut off my arm, and call it Mitch, then reattach it and call it Mitch altogether.

[itsernst]

I pretend when I shave that their are other people who are shaving at the same time...and then i say "Yeah, I'm going to shave too."

[The Wedge]

This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like, dude. you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you have to insert a pause.

[waroriole]

My girlfriends name is Lyn, and my old girlfriends name is Lynn. Sometimes I mess up and call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name. She can tell because I say nnnn longer.

[weams]

I'm guessing I'm not the only one reading all of these jokes with his emPHATic... deLIV'ry....

Good thread.


My fake plants died, because I did not preTEND to water them.

[SteveA]

Somehow I never got a chance to see him perform or hear him, but from reading this thread he sounds pretty darn funny.

A lot of his jokes read kind of Steven Wright-ish, but I'm guessing he didn't have the super-low-key delivery that Wright does.

[The Wedge]

Somehow I never got a chance to see him perform or hear him, but from reading this thread he sounds pretty darn funny.

A lot of his jokes read kind of Steven Wright-ish, but I'm guessing he didn't have the super-low-key delivery that Wright does.

Wright would be the closest comparison, yes, but only because his unique delivery is what really sells the non-sequiter nature of his jokes. He also benefited greatly from a convention borne of his stage fright: his sunglasses. Most of the time he has his eyes shut on stage because he's scared. For your benefit, I shall give unto thee a YouTube clip, which I swear on my fathers grave isn't a RickRoll:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VHMXG9XNoU

[ledzepp8]

Wow...is there seriously an ad for Mitch Hedberg ringtones at the bottom of this thread?

Weird coincidence or is Big Brother watching over this thread?:eektf:

[The Wedge]

Wow...is there seriously an ad for Mitch Hedberg ringtones at the bottom of this thread?

Weird coincidence or is Big Brother watching over this thread?:eektf:

Google Ads are like SkyNet.

[waroriole]

Can someone direct me to a Chair Lunch Dinner

[waroriole]

Wow...is there seriously an ad for Mitch Hedberg ringtones at the bottom of this thread?

Weird coincidence or is Big Brother watching over this thread?:eektf:

Yeah I noticed it earlier but now it's gone:scratchchinhmm:

[Icterus galbula]

I really really love Mitch Hedberg. Not trying to put anyone down in this thread, but his quotes are so much better with his unique delivery. Thats a good bit of the fun for me.

[ledzepp8]

Google Ads are like SkyNet.

Yeah there was an ad for the Rivers Cuomo solo album Alone: The Home Recordings of Rivers Cuomo in the Weezer Red Album thread.

[TGO]

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

[Moose Milligan]

I really really love Mitch Hedberg. Not trying to put anyone down in this thread, but his quotes are so much better with his unique delivery. Thats a good bit of the fun for me.

Thing is, when you read his quotes, you can hear his delivery. :)

[Moose Milligan]

http://hedburgh.com/media.shtml

The Jimmy Johns promos at the bottom are great. Not so much the Thrashers promos.

[CharmCityRocker]

I had the priveldge of seeing Mitch twice at the DC Improv in 2002 and 2003 (may've been '04). The second time I saw him was one of the greatest performances (of any kind) that I've ever seen. He had the whole club rolling. Eventually, people started yelling joke requests like it was a rock concert, or some such thing (which was kind of annoying, but Mitch obliged). After Mitch's set, the MC came on the stage and made a special announcement.... Surprise set by none other than Chris Rock (who was working on jokes for the Never Scared HBO Special). What an awesome night. What an amazing talent.

[PrivateO]

"So anyway I was in Ireland once---WOO-HOO!---. Yeah that's why I left cause ________ went WOO-HOO! I got sick of that ____. I can't take woo-hoo anymo".

Love it. :D

[The Wedge]

I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but I can say that there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this hotel "Something...Tree", so they had a meeting; it...it was quite short. "How 'bout Tree?" "No, Double Tree." "Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!" I had my heart set on "Quadruple Tree"... damnit, we were almost there!

[J.D.]

I didn’t go to college but if I did I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant 'cause “The customer’s always right.”

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f*** it!, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is A.K.A hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it."

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the guy gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely f***s up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.

I never joined the army because "at ease" never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

[Moose Milligan]

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all ****ing day. If you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a really weak midget trying to bring you down!

[BirdlandMedic72]

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

[BaltimoreTerp]

Before the show, I had to take a physical. They had me answer some questions, but they were all weirdly-worded.

Like: "Have you ever had sugar...or PCP?"

[The Wedge]

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.



I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."



When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"