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larrytt

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larrytt last won the day on July 10 2008

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4,234 The Grand Hangout Council Member

About larrytt

  • Rank
    Plus Member Since 08/05
  • Birthday 2/27/1960

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  • Location
    Germantown, MD
  • Homepage
    http://www.tabletenniscoaching.com
  • Interests
    Table tennis, tennis, reading & writing science fiction & fantasy, presidential politics
  • Occupation
    Professional table tennis coach and writer, and science fiction writer
  • Favorite Current Oriole
    Trey Mancini
  • Favorite All Time Oriole
    JJ Hardy

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  1. 10) "Let's face it," Manny said, "the Orioles are a really, really great team, except for me. I'm like the smelly, decaying rat in a chef's kitchen. Every time I step on the field I bring the team down. I love Baltimore and I love the Orioles, but the only way they can recover this season is if I leave so they can bring in someone good. I'll be cheering for them at the World Series. I hope they still remember me." 9) Yankees net worth: $4 billion. Dodgers net worth: $3 billion. Orioles net worth: $1.2 billion. Just sayin'. (From Forbes.) 8) Manny will go crazy playing for the losing Orioles, and finally go to the Dodgers and their blue uniforms, often with light bluish sleeves. After all, Manny Machado is just an anagram for "Oh, Cyan Madman"! (But until he leaves, guess what the "Oh" stands for?) 7) He'll probably go to the Yankees or the Mets. After all, Manny is just an anagram for "NY Man"! 6) "I can make $400 million if I leave the Orioles" is an anagram for "I can make $400 million if I leave the Orioles." 5) Manny's leading the league in average, and is third in slugging, on base percentage, and OPS. The Orioles are 8-21. We blame Manny. 4) Manny hit 105 HR the past three seasons. Unless he can hit 105 this season, play shortstop, third base, and all three outfield positions simultaneously, go 27-2 as a starter, and get 75 saves, what's the point of him staying? 3) Baltimore's average elevation is 480 feet. Los Angeles is 285 feet. The laws of gravity make it inevitable that he'll roll to Los Angeles. (And you thought he was just on a roll with that .366 batting average?) 2) Out of sheer politeness, he'll be joining the Great Britain National Baseball Team. He might as well since it's only proper that he go to England to pick up all those home runs he hit to center field and over the Atlantic, which points almost directly at London, where the penalty for littering is 150 pounds ($204). Just 1,960,784 home runs and that $400 million dollars is gone. 1) The truth came out at a "Pies in the Face Anonymous" meeting. "It was horrible," Manny said. "Every time I went to bat there was that shiver down my spine that I'd make another game-winning hit. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, it was all I could think about! And then, whenever I hit a game-winner, they'd all be waitin' for me, like an ambush, grinnin' like thieves, and as soon as the game was over, it was POW! Pie in the face. There just has to be a team out here that ain't got no pies. And don't get me started on the sunflower seeds!"
  2. larrytt

    Top Ten Lists

    We have a winner! Check back in two minutes.
  3. larrytt

    Top Ten Lists

    I feel like writing another Top Ten list, and have several ideas for one. But first, are there any requests? Any Orioles topic is welcome. So . . . "Top Ten Ways _______________________________"?
  4. 10) Ever have that nightmare where you're hitting .164 and slugging .274, then you wake up and realize you are really in the middle of a 50-homer season? Wake up, Chris! 9) "Who's on first?" "Yes." "Fine, as long as it isn't that guy slugging .274!" (Perhaps "Yes" is Kyle Yeske, who played first base for Bluefield in the Appalachian Rookie League in 1992, and for Albany in the South Atlantic Class A league in 1993-1994, batting .236 with 9 home runs.) 8) If you chop a starfish into nine pieces, it grows back as nine starfish. Machado is a starplayer, so we should be able to chop him into nine pieces and, well, you get the idea. 7) Play good. 6) Recruit God to the team. For only he can remove evil from the world, and as we all know, "Division" is just an anagram for "I Void Sin." (While we're at it, maybe he can do something about them evil Yanks.) 5) We're 16-6 according to Dyslexians of America. 4) Hire Montgomery Burns as manager. After all, he led the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team to the 1992 Championships over Shelbyville. We'll need Wonder Bat. 3) Grow corn on the playing field. Hope Shoeless Joe Jackson shows up. 2) Pitching today for the Orioles is Dylan Bundy. Pitching tomorrow for the Orioles is Dylan Bundy. Pitching the day after tomorrow for the Orioles is Dylan Bundy. Pitching three days from now for the Orioles is . . . 1) Hold your index finger up in front of your face. Slowly move it side to side, following it with your eyes. You are getting very sleepy. You are in a deep trance. Your team is the Boston Red Sox. You have never heard of any team called the Baltimore Orioles. When I end this sentence you will wake up and realize you are and always have been a Red Sox fan, and your team is 18-4 and leading the division by 4 games. This sentence is now over. Wake up.
  5. Neither Chris Davis nor Chris Tillman are old enough to blame their conversion from stars to scars on the Orioles underbelly that you want hit with a crowbar. So my question is simple: What ***specifically*** has caused their demise and keeps them from recovering their former glory?
  6. larrytt

    Is it time to bring in a "Davis Whisperer"?

    I could solve all of Chris Davis' hitting problems with a top ten list of ways Chris Davis could solve his hitting problems.
  7. 10) It's Spring, time for the annual battle of the pathetic pitchers for the fifth spot on the Oriole rotation . . . except, wait, we already have five starters? There is no battle for the fifth spot? C'mon, this is the Orioles, there HAS to be a pathetic fifth starter, it's part of the modern tradition!!! (Ubaldo, where are you?) Fine, we'll break tradition and go with five solid ones. (Mr. Tillman, we're watching you.) 9) We have shortstops playing second base, shortstop, third base, and center field. We have center fielders playing center field and right field. That's solid defense. (Please, oh please, just once replace Chris Davis at first late in a game with a utility infielder who normally plays shortstop so we can have an historic first - four shortstops playing the infield.) 8) We have a very strong bullpen - and in June, we're scheduled to pick up the best closer in baseball. 7) We'll have Davis, Trumbo, Machado, Schoop, Jones, Mancini, and Beckham batting back to back, all with 20+ homers last year, plus Rasmus, who's hit 20+ three times in his career. FanGraphs projects a 52% chance the O's will break the all-time single-season home run record of 264 by the 1997 Mariners - and in fact project the Orioles to hit 269, with projections of 34 by Davis and Machado, 31 by Schoop, 29 by Trumbo, 28 by Jones, 25 by Mancini, and 22 by Beckham and Rasmus. But Chris Davis has hit 53 and 47 before, so I'm thinking we add another 15 to his projection. We'll have 20+ homers from every starter except at catcher - Mr. Cisco, prove us wrong! Oh, and Mr. Trumbo, who hit 47 in 2016 - we'll be watching you! (Imagine Davis and Trumbo both getting around 45, Machado and Schoop at 35, and four others at around 30 each.) And Jones at 28? Hasn't he (like Steady Eddie before him) hit exactly 30 home runs every year for the past 500 years? 6) The Orioles Achilles heel is they don't walk that often. But all we need are one walk and five home runs per game, and that's six runs per game, which should lead the majors. 5) In October this year the Unmanned European-Japanese BepiColombo spacecraft is scheduled to be launched to Mercury. Also that month the U.S. missile defense complex in Poland is expected to be operational. This is all fake news. The BepiColombo spacecraft was designed to nab Orioles home runs out of outer space before they fall back to earth and cause damage. The U.S. Missile defense complex in Poland is designed to stop any Oriole home runs that do fall back to earth. 4) FanGraphs projects the Orioles to hit 269 home runs this year, but in reality the Orioles will hit 281, with 0 other teams coming close to us in home run totals or in the standings. How do we know this? Because the year, 2018, is just an anagram for 281/0, or [number of home runs]/[teams that challenge us in home run totals or in the standings]. See how obvious that was? 3) Chris Davis is obviously set to hit a monstrous number of home runs this year. How do we know? The two years before where he hit a monstrous number of home runs were in 2013 and 2015. 2013 ends with a 3 and is divisible by 3, and 2015 ends with 15, which is divisible by 3. 2018 ends with 18, which is also divisible by 3. So obviously he hits a monstrous number of home runs in years associated with 3. Now why would this be? Well, he's 6'3", 230 lbs, he's 32, and was born the third month of 1986, which is divisible by 3 - that's a lot of 3s. The C in Chris is the third letter in the alphabet; he plays first base, which is "3" in baseball numbering; and in his monstrous 2013 season finished third in the MVP voting. Lifetime he has 4701 PA, 4149 AB, 1020 hits, 204 doubles, 267 home runs, 17 stolen bases, 48 HBP, 51 GDP, a .246 batting average, 7515 putouts, 462 assists, 810 double plays, and a cumulative salary of $72,958,740 - ALL divisible by 3! 2) Every fifth day our new superstar starter Alex Cobb will be pitching, so tune up your cable boxes to watch, as Cable Box is just an anagram for Alex Cobb! 1) We get to watch as day after day the Orioles stand around at first base not getting caught stealing. Last year they led the majors in least getting caught stealing with 13 (while also leading in least steals at 32), with nobody even close - next best was 22 caught stealing by the Yanks and A's, who only got caught that much because they crooked-mindedly stole 90 and 57 bases, respectively. The Orioles are loaded with players who don't get caught stealing, led last year by Schoop, Trumbo, and Mancini, each of whom did not get caught stealing a single time last year while each triumphantly stealing exactly one base, while Caleb Joseph also was never caught stealing in his zero attempts. (Chris Davis and Tim Beckham will try to bounce back from disastrous seasons where both were caught stealing in exactly half of their two attempts, while Adam Jones tries to bounce back after getting caught in exactly one-third of his three attempts.) The Orioles have added to their tradition of not getting caught stealing by adding not-get-caught-stealing superstar Colby Rasmus, who was caught stealing in 2017 a dazzling 0 times on his way to stealing 1 base that year. It wasn't a fluke - twice before he went an entire season without getting caught stealing, going 0-0 in 2011 and 4-0 in 2014. He was caught only once in 2009, 2013, 2015, and 2016, on his way to a dazzling total of just 17 times caught stealing in nine years in the majors, while stealing 35 bases. (As a morale-boosting exercise, Manager Showalter had the Orioles volunteer to pose for college art classes this spring, where they were forced to stand stationary for hours, great preparation for the upcoming season. Orioles star rookie Austin Hays twitched several times, which is why he was optioned to Bowie to work on his stationary skills.) We have another year to look forward Oriole players perched at first base, completely stationary in heroic poses as they stand around not getting caught stealing as they wait for someone to hit a home run. What could be more exciting?
  8. larrytt

    Top Ten Ways to Fix Oriole Pitching

    I have no idea who this is or what it means. Are you saying no to all ten of my "recommendations"? Even "Next time an opposing team says, 'Give me five!', just say NO!"? I guess we could give five for the 21st time in a row....
  9. 10) Put out a nationwide APB for Good Ubaldo. Then do the same for Good Kevin, Good Dylan, Good Wade, Good Alec, and Good Chris. 9) Bring in a bunch of mosquitos. Let them loose in the clubhouse. When a player gets bitten and has an itch, hire Scott Boros to represent that itch. Boros will become the best itch rep in the business. Then put Boros in the starting rotation because he’s the best Itch Rep, and that’s just an anagram for Pitcher. 8) Orioles are tiny birds, weighing less than 1.5 ounces. A baseball weighs 5.25 ounces, over 3.5 times the weight of an Oriole, so of course an Oriole cannot throw a baseball very hard. It’s time we became the Baltimore Rocs! 7) We’ve given up 66 runs in our last 8 games, an average of 8.25 per game. It takes an average starter twice that many games to give up that many!!! So while most teams have five starters, we only need 2.5 to get the same production. Then we can bring in Aaron Judge, Paul Goldschmidt, and (since he’s injured and will miss half the season) half of Mike Trout, and perhaps we can average 8.26 runs per game. 6) C’mon, the idea of bringing in Jim Palmer is ridiculous, the guy’s 71 years old. On the other hand, they’ve cloned dogs, cats, and lots of other mammals. . . . 5) On the other hand, perhaps 71-year-old Jim Palmer could make this starting rotation. 4) Here is the Orioles ERA by day: Sun 5.51; Mon 5:67; Tue 5.59; Wed 3.87; Thu 4.24 Fri 5.28; Sat 6.13. Time for us to copy football, play Wednesday Night Baseball, and then pray for six days of rain. 3) If practice makes perfect, we’re well on our way to #1 as we lead the majors in total pitches at 11,824. 2) We’ve got a 5.20 team ERA (last in the majors), we’re got the worst pitching staff in baseball 52 weeks a year, and pitching well this year just isn’t in the cards, which come from a deck of 52. The answer to our problems is practically screaming at us – sign #52 C.C. Sabathia!!! 1) Next time an opposing team says, “Give me five!”, just say NO!
  10. 10) Blame Buck. Ever since he outlawed strip poker in the locker room they’ve been playing injury poker, and everyone’s losing. Just yesterday the clubhouse boy pulled a royal flush to Chris Davis’s four K’s (kings), giving Chris an oblique strain. 9) Blame the fans. They constantly scream “Go O’s!” which is like saying “Go Nils!” which is an anagram for “Losing.” 8) Casey Stengel saw a clubhouse full of bad players and said, “Can’t anyone here play this game?” Buck saw a clubhouse full of injured players and said, “Ditto.” 7) #2 hitter Adam has a .298 OBP. #3 hitter Manny is hitting .218. #4 hitter Chris is hitting .226. #5 hitter Mark, who led the majors in home runs last year with 47, has eight this year and is slugging .396. Shortstop A.J. is hitting .210. (What did Casey say?) 6) Anyone who thinks the Orioles are struggling should keep in mind what would happen if they played the ’62 Mets, considered the worst team in history. Of course, most of the ’62 Mets are in their 80s, so we’d probably win. Maybe we should challenge the ’69 “Miracle Mets” to a rematch, now that they are all in their 70s? Can 73-year-old Tom Seaver strike out Chris Davis? Let’s not find out. 5) They may be struggling at Camden Yards, but they just won the Mercy Medical Hospital Baseball Championships, defeating a bunch of sick kids from the pediatric wing in extra innings in an exciting game that ended with Manny bowling over blond-haired, almond-eyed, ten-year-old catcher Timmy, hospitalized with a touch of Polio, to score the winning run in the bottom of the twelfth. Timmy was last seen soaring over the grandstand as the Orioles celebrated. 4) They say it’s lonely at the top, but it’s pretty lonely in the O’s clubhouse as well, since everyone is out at Mercy Hospital. Most of the time it’s just Rickard and Kim playing ping-pong while Buck does a daily drive down to Norfolk to pick up anyone that’s available to play. 3) Orioles are 14 out of 15 in the AL in ERA (4.88, beating out the hapless Minnesota Twins), and dead last in starter ERA (5.36) – but they did save a bunch of money buying star insurance at Geico. If Manny hits under .220 and we finish dead last, we get first-round draft picks – and they’re scouting out those sick kids at Mercy Hospital! Go Manny Go!!! (Sung to the tune of “Johnny Be Good,” since we keep hoping Manny’ll be good.) 2) Didn’t Earl say the secret to winning was stolen bases, sacrifices, and triples? (We might have the details wrong here.) We’re dead last in the majors in all three. 1) It’s a long season, we’re currently 32-32, and have 98 games left. As a .500 team, we have a 50-50 chance in each game, meaning we have one in two to the 98th power chance of winning 98 in a row, or 1 in 316,912,650,057,057,350,374,175,801,344 (about one in 317 octillion) of going 130-32. So we’re saying there’s a chance.
  11. 10) What swoon? That's fake news!!! The Orioles have WON six in a row, and not only have the best record in baseball, but they have the biggest crowds too! 9) What goes down must come up. (Or is that backwards?) 8) As some will explain in meticulous detail, it's a long season. Now think of the pleasure you will get as you [imagine] punching these people in the jaw! 7) Throughout these losses, the Orioles have demonstrated superb pitching. Soon the O's front office will orchestrate a trade for some of those superb pitchers. 6) With a few breaks, the Orioles could still go 140-22. Of course, this involves breaks in the pitching arm of every opposing pitcher. 5) The Orioles hitters continue to dominate the fifth inning, leading the AL in slugging (.527) and OPS (.904), with a .377 OBP. Sure, there are those other pesky innings, and sure, the Orioles pitchers have a 5.55 ERA in the fifth inning, but golly, can the Orioles hit in the fifth inning!!! 4) No matter how bad the Orioles are, the new Bay Watch movie is even worse. 3) With one stroke of his bat (followed by a manic sprint), Chris Davis moved the Orioles from last place in the majors in triples to merely tied for last place with 3. Oh, and the O's are also tied for last place in the majors in stolen bases (12). See, we get to share the mockery! (Well, except for sacrifices, where we're dead last in the majors with 2.) 2) Always remember that "Losing Streak" is just an anagram for "Angelos' Skirt." This must mean something profound. 1) Buck Showalter is becoming more and more like all-time great Hall of Fame manager Casey Stengel - both have the same question.
  12. larrytt

    Ongoing Lineup Thread, 2017

    Against Scherzer, Davis has an OPS of .885 in 26 PA (.333/.385/.500). Trumbo is 1 for 11 with a single, and an OPS of .258. I wouldn't mind sitting Trumbo out tonight, but not too often - 47 HR last year.
  13. larrytt

    Ongoing Lineup Thread, 2017

    There's a simple reason why Mancini is starting and Kim is not. Mancini has a 1.025 OPS (71 PA), including 1.548 (you read that right) against righties (26 PA). He's clouting the ball right now, so why would you bench him? Kim, on the other hand, has an OPS of .624 (49 PA). When one is hot and the other is cold, you play the one who is hot. The whole purpose of platooning is to maximize the hitting, and you don't do that by playing, against a righty pitcher, a lefty who is not hitting lefties, while benching a righty who is hot against righties. Kim will get his chance, but as long as Mancini is clouting the ball, keep him in the lineup. Until and unless he proves otherwise, he's now an everyday starter. He may be this year's breakthrough hitter - we'll see.
  14. larrytt

    Ongoing Lineup Thread, 2017

    He was listed as LHP when I did my note, but it's been corrected. I don't know the National League pitchers very well, including the Nationals. I deleted my note.
  15. Bloody good idea - I added "bloody"!
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