Opinons on this short short story I've written

[Orioles4Life21]

I hope that this doesn't make you guys puke but I just want an honest opinion haha. I am proud of this work and want to see what you guys think. Be honest.

Destiny

Is it possible for something to be destined to happen no matter what? That no matter what you do, fate is going to step in and this certain event will occur? I had never been a firm believer in this theory until one special day when in the blink of an eye, something happened that would change my life forever.
I woke up on what at first was seemingly just an ordinary Sunday in early spring. It was my last day before another five days of wasting away in school and I was excited to sit around inside all day and be lazy. That is all that I ever did with my life on the weekends and I was perfectly content with it. However, my parents informed me that my younger brother had a baseball game that day and that I had to go. I always despised going to my brother's games simply because they were so dull for me. Why did I have to go? I reluctantly got in the car and we drove off to Virginia Sports Complex. It was official. My last day of the weekend was going to be wasted watching my brother play baseball.
We arrived at the ball fields and I could not have been more irritated. I had no desire to be there. Thoughts of me lying in my bed sleeping all day haunted my mind the entire drive there. I frowned as I took a seat on the cold, hard bleachers. The next thing I saw rocked my world and changed my life forever.
Her name was Taylor. She had long blonde hair and beautiful ocean blue eyes. It was as if the heavens had opened up, and she had descended from the skies above. She may as well have been an angel because I couldn't tell the difference. I wanted to say something to her all day but I chickened out. I was much too nervous. However, one thing was for sure. I needed to start coming to these games!
A couple weekends later, the team had a tournament in Newport News. I had already had the courage to finally talk to Taylor and establish a good relationship with her. I was looking forward to a great weekend in the presence of this angel of a girl.
We arrived on Friday night at the Holiday Inn Express where the team had decided to stay. She was already there and I had to see her. Apparently, she felt the same way. She texted me and asked me to walk with her to her dad’s truck to look for a book that she knew was safely in the room. I went down to the lobby and waited there for a few minutes. Finally, I saw her emerge from the darkness of the late night hallway. She had on blue shorts and an Osbourn Park t-shirt. Nothing special for any other girl, but on her it was breathtaking. We walked to the truck and of course we found no book. Neither of us wanted the night to be over, so we sat on the couch in the lobby. We talked for hours. The whole time we were sitting there, I was focused on her hand. It was right there for me to take, and finally I raised my hand beckoning for her to meet me halfway. When her hand met mine a shockwave of electricity shot throughout my body that would’ve been enough to light up a thousand New York Cities. It was the most incredible feeling in the world. I loved this girl. We talked into the early hours of the morning before we reluctantly decided to head up to our rooms. The night was over and the lights went out in the lobby, but the electricity we created never stopped flowing.
The very next night, we were sitting on the stairs on the top floor of the hotel after a long day at the baseball fields. Once again, we were conversing for hours. They seemed like mere minutes to me. Just being there with her would’ve made my night, however that was not enough for me. I could not wait any longer. I looked at her, stared deep into her eyes, and she stared back into mine.
“I’m going to kiss you right now,” I whispered into her ear. I was incredibly uneasy and my heart pounded relentlessly, but I had come too far to back down now. Then, with her hand in mine, I leaned in and I kissed her for the first time. It was that moment in time when I realized that fate had brought us together. I knew that no matter what had happened leading up to that point in my life, I was always going to end up in that exact spot, and this story, our story, was destined to last a lifetime.

[Gurgi]

Honest? What you describe is lust. A chemical reaction your brain has that is designed to get you to mate. Is she is the first thing on your mind when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you think of when you go to sleep? If so it is your brain throwing a bunch of chemicals at you.

Good luck. Your going to go for a ride.

[bobmc]

Good read - you captured the moment with elan!

[jilly]

Hi, I really never post here, I'm Gurgi's wife, but I write a lot and he mentioned your post to me, and I wanted to come read it and give you feedback as another writer.

To start with, I think your story is really good! I'm very interested in stories about destiny, and fate, and what can happen. I like the beginning idea that you really did not want to go to your brother's game, which gives you the chance to be upset about it, but then that leads to your plotline 'surprise', that you end up meeting someone special. One comment I would make is that right after you meet her, you include the line: "The next thing I saw rocked my world and changed my life forever." Now what I would do, as a writer, is not include that line - that could be a note to yourself, when you are writing, that that is the effect she is going to have on you, and your life, but what you want to do is show your reader, through the things that come next, that she rocks your world, and your life was changed forever. Not state it outright, but let them see, through what happens next, that that is the outcome.

Your description of meeting up with her again, and the first kiss is very good - it's got a lot of emotion in it, and it's compelling. I would say to you - keep writing!! Start with your first draft, and then just keep working on it, polishing it, editing it, and revising it. You'll find more details of the story will become clear to you as you do that, and they'll begin to come out on the page, to complete the story.

And it's always good to write what you know, because details and realistic events and descriptions will flow easier. Obviously you like baseball, I would say keep writing more stories about baseball. Maybe you could create a character of a young guy who works at the ballpark when he is not at school, and solves mysteries that happen there, or has lots of romantic adventures with the female fans that show up, or both! Best wishes to you, and keep writing!

[Orioles4Life21]

Hi, I really never post here, I'm Gurgi's wife, but I write a lot and he mentioned your post to me, and I wanted to come read it and give you feedback as another writer.

To start with, I think your story is really good! I'm very interested in stories about destiny, and fate, and what can happen. I like the beginning idea that you really did not want to go to your brother's game, which gives you the chance to be upset about it, but then that leads to your plotline 'surprise', that you end up meeting someone special. One comment I would make is that right after you meet her, you include the line: "The next thing I saw rocked my world and changed my life forever." Now what I would do, as a writer, is not include that line - that could be a note to yourself, when you are writing, that that is the effect she is going to have on you, and your life, but what you want to do is show your reader, through the things that come next, that she rocks your world, and your life was changed forever. Not state it outright, but let them see, through what happens next, that that is the outcome.

Your description of meeting up with her again, and the first kiss is very good - it's got a lot of emotion in it, and it's compelling. I would say to you - keep writing!! Start with your first draft, and then just keep working on it, polishing it, editing it, and revising it. You'll find more details of the story will become clear to you as you do that, and they'll begin to come out on the page, to complete the story.

And it's always good to write what you know, because details and realistic events and descriptions will flow easier. Obviously you like baseball, I would say keep writing more stories about baseball. Maybe you could create a character of a young guy who works at the ballpark when he is not at school, and solves mysteries that happen there, or has lots of romantic adventures with the female fans that show up, or both! Best wishes to you, and keep writing!

Ok I'll consider this thank you!

[Orioles4Life21]

Good read - you captured the moment with elan!

Please explain this to me haha..elan?

[Orioles4Life21]

Honest? What you describe is lust. A chemical reaction your brain has that is designed to get you to mate. Is she is the first thing on your mind when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you think of when you go to sleep? If so it is your brain throwing a bunch of chemicals at you.

Good luck. Your going to go for a ride.

Thanks Gurgi I appreciate your opinion. FWIW though I've been with her for a year and a half now so maybe then it was lust but transformed into something deeper?