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Thread: Top Ten Orioles Off-Season Needs
12-03-2011 04:40 PM #1
Top Ten Orioles Off-Season Needs
10) Fort Knox, to store Nick and Matt's new gloves.
9) Lots and lots of cameras so we can have picture night every night game of the season. After all, "Pic Night" is just an anagram for "Pitching," and we need lots of it.
8) Anyone who can accurately throw a ball a little over sixty feet without a resulting nuclear holocaust.
7) Global warming, which leads to rising ocean levels, wiping away coastal cities such as New York City, Boston, Tampa Bay, and Toronto.
6) Lots and lots and lots of levees, since Baltimore is a coastal city.
5) A really thick batting helmet for Brian Roberts, which he'll wear at all times.
4) A really thick bat for Mark Reynolds, maybe two feet wide.
3) Albert Pujols. If a bunch of low-life nobodies from Venezuela can kidnap a major leaguer, imagine what we can do if we put the full power and glory of the Baltimore Orioles behind it? I mean, c'mon, it's not like St. Louis has an army or navy.
2) Lots of broiled meat, because that is just an anagram for Baltimore, and "or I lose" is just an anagram for Orioles, so our team name is really "Broiled Meat or I Lose."
1) Rick Perry as an O's fan. We are badly in need of fans with poor memories. (I had a better tenth one, but I can't remember it. Oops.)
12-03-2011 04:55 PM #2
The part of my brain that has an overdeveloped sense of propriety (and no sense of humor) doesn't think that making a kidnapping joke is appropriate.
The other parts think that the Orioles would wind up drugged, pantless, in a bathtub filled with ice, and with a hastily-scrawled note safety-pinned to their lapels if they attempted to kidnap...anything.