HHP: Top Twelve Spring Training Problems for the 2015 Orioles

12) During spring training the Orioles pitching staff went to a local carnival to have fun and relax. At one of the games Ubaldo threw darts at balloons. The rest of the pitching staff is day-to-day with 96 puncture wounds.

11) During Ubaldo's first intra-squad outing, Showalter thought he was practicing his pick-off moves to first, third, the on-deck circle, the dugout, the stands, the parking lot, and a cornfield in Iowa. The opposing Oriole hitters and 96 spectators are all day-to-day with multiple contusions.

10) Matt Wieters might not have recovered from his Tommy John surgery. After watching him throw, the ever-efficient Showalter decided to combine his throwing practice with bunt fielding practice. The drill started with Wieters heaving the ball toward second, and the pitcher would charge in to field it. In frustration, Matt began to cry, getting his arm all wet - but after all, Matt Wieters is just an anagram for "I test wet arm." (After watching this, Everth Cabrera smacked his lips 96 times and requested he be traded to any other American League East team.)

9) Adam Jones was hospitalized due to near suffocation in what was described as a "96-ounce bubblegum pie experiment," and is day-to-day.

8) No one recognized the guys in left and right, and so De Aza and Snider were tackled by security, injuring both; they are day-to-day. Possible replacement Nolan Reimold is also day-to-day after colliding with 96 gnats.

7) In Chris Davis's first spring training game, the opposing team played an extreme shift, moving all three outfielders, all four infielders, their designated hitter, their dugout, their front office, the Taj Mahal, and the galaxy Andromeda all into right field. Chris hit the ball over the right field fence all four times up, but the ball was caught in the stands each time by Jeffrey Maier and he was called out. (After the game Chris punched Jeffrey in the stomach 96 times.)

6) In a horrible accident, all 96 Oriole second basemen in camp collided during a training exercise led by third-base coach Bobby Dickerson, and are all day-to-day. To replace them, Showalter hired a local little leaguer who had relatives from New York, and ESPN immediately moved the Orioles to #1 in their Power Rankings.

5) JJ Hardy wanted to recover his home run power, and so spent the off-season weight training, gaining 96 pounds. His legs are now three feet wide, he walks like the Hulk, and he has about two feet of range in each direction.

4) Manny Machado spent the off-season praying to recover from his knee surgery. He did so on his knees for 96 days in a row. He is day-to-day.

3) Outfielder/infielder/designated hitter/laundryman/doorman/guy on grassy knoll Steve Pearce heard someone pound on the clubhouse door 96 times, screaming, "Let me in!" Pearce opened the door, and the walking dead formerly known as Brian Roberts bit him. Pearce is day-to-day, and Showalter worries that he might eat the other Orioles.

2) Designated Hitter Delmon Young was cut because he was unable to field his position. However, he doesn't know this because when they tried to hand him his pink slip, he dropped it 96 times before they gave up. Sometimes, on a clear night, you can still see him shuffling about the outfield looking for balls to pick up and drop, but every morning at sunup Showalter locks him away in a coffin - after all, his name is just an anagram for "Ungodly nome." (He don't spell good.)

1) Showalter was seen at a bar having serious discussions with Sidney Ponson, who now weighs 496 pounds. He not only eats like a horse, his name is an anagram for "Dines on ponys." (Nope, he don't spell good either.) ESPN moved the Orioles to #96 in their Power Rankings.

12) During spring training the Orioles pitching staff went to a local carnival to have fun and relax. At one of the games Ubaldo threw darts at balloons. The rest of the pitching staff is day-to-day with 96 puncture wounds.

11) During Ubaldo's first intra-squad outing, Showalter thought he was practicing his pick-off moves to first, third, the on-deck circle, the dugout, the stands, the parking lot, and a cornfield in Iowa. The opposing Oriole hitters and 96 spectators are all day-to-day with multiple contusions.

10) Matt Wieters might not have recovered from his Tommy John surgery. After watching him throw, the ever-efficient Showalter decided to combine his throwing practice with bunt fielding practice. The drill started with Wieters heaving the ball toward second, and the pitcher would charge in to field it. In frustration, Matt began to cry, getting his arm all wet - but after all, Matt Wieters is just an anagram for "I test wet arm." (After watching this, Everth Cabrera smacked his lips 96 times and requested he be traded to any other American League East team.)

9) Adam Jones was hospitalized due to near suffocation in what was described as a "96-ounce bubblegum pie experiment," and is day-to-day.

8) No one recognized the guys in left and right, and so De Aza and Snider were tackled by security, injuring both; they are day-to-day. Possible replacement Nolan Reimold is also day-to-day after colliding with 96 gnats.

7) In Chris Davis's first spring training game, the opposing team played an extreme shift, moving all three outfielders, all four infielders, their designated hitter, their dugout, their front office, the Taj Mahal, and the galaxy Andromeda all into right field. Chris hit the ball over the right field fence all four times up, but the ball was caught in the stands each time by Jeffrey Maier and he was called out. (After the game Chris punched Jeffrey in the stomach 96 times.)

6) In a horrible accident, all 96 Oriole second basemen in camp collided during a training exercise led by third-base coach Bobby Dickerson, and are all day-to-day. To replace them, Showalter hired a local little leaguer who had relatives from New York, and ESPN immediately moved the Orioles to #1 in their Power Rankings.

5) JJ Hardy wanted to recover his home run power, and so spent the off-season weight training, gaining 96 pounds. His legs are now three feet wide, he walks like the Hulk, and he has about two feet of range in each direction.

4) Manny Machado spent the off-season praying to recover from his knee surgery. He did so on his knees for 96 days in a row. He is day-to-day.

3) Outfielder/infielder/designated hitter/laundryman/doorman/guy on grassy knoll Steve Pearce heard someone pound on the clubhouse door 96 times, screaming, "Let me in!" Pearce opened the door, and the walking dead formerly known as Brian Roberts bit him. Pearce is day-to-day, and Showalter worries that he might eat the other Orioles.

2) Designated Hitter Delmon Young was cut because he was unable to field his position. However, he doesn't know this because when they tried to hand him his pink slip, he dropped it 96 times before they gave up. Sometimes, on a clear night, you can still see him shuffling about the outfield looking for balls to pick up and drop, but every morning at sunup Showalter locks him away in a coffin - after all, his name is just an anagram for "Ungodly nome." (He don't spell good.)

1) Showalter was seen at a bar having serious discussions with Sidney Ponson, who now weighs 496 pounds. He not only eats like a horse, his name is an anagram for "Dines on ponys." (Nope, he don't spell good either.) ESPN moved the Orioles to #96 in their Power Rankings.

Pretty good! Thanks for the laughs!

13) 0-2, outscored 20-6, team OPS .622, team ERA 10.69. It's time.

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Peter Angelos will cry 96 tears if the Orioles do not repeat as A.L. East champions in 2015.

What a stupid (yet somewhat hilarious post)...

13) 0-2, outscored 20-6, team OPS .622, team ERA 10.69. It's time.

It's time.

14) After reading the OP 96 times, Adam Jones is convinced it is a coded message for him from Dan Duquette.

After winning 96 games last year Buck switched his number to 96. When asked what number he hopes to wear next year Buck responded " None, because major league baseball doesn't allow players or coaches to wear triple digit numbers."