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Monday Lame Joke Day

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Two drunks are on a 747, seated in the back near the LOO.

Shortly after the plane levels off, there's a loud explosion off the left side. Flames, smoke, etc... the pilot comes on and goes, "Ladies & Gentlemen, no need for alarm but we have lost one of our port engines. This plane was designed to fly on three engines but we will be about 45 minutes late to our final destination."

About 20 minutes later, "BOOM!" An explosion off the right side. "Ladies & Gentlemen, no need for alarm but we have lost one of our starboard engines. This plane was designed to fly on two engines but we will be about 90 minutes late to our final destination."

About 20 minutes later, "BOOM!" ANOTHER explosion off the left side. "Ladies & Gentlemen, no need for alarm but we have lost our remaining port engine. This plane was designed to fly on one engine but we will be about 120 minutes late to our final destination."

One guy looks at the other and goes, "MAN, I hope that last engine doesn't go."

"For real, we'll be up here all freakin' day."

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After 35 years of work in postal services, a postman is preparing for retirement and he works his last day as a postman.

One family gives him a pen as a gift, another one gives him a key-chain, and when he rings at the third door, a glamorous blonde appears at the door, holds his hand and takes him to the bedroom where they spend two hours having the most amazing "Sex".

After the shower she prepares breakfast: eggs with orange juice then she gives him a $1 bill.

During the meal, he was delirious and asked: "Can you explain all of this to me...?!?"

The Blonde says: "Yesterday, I told my husband that our postman is going to be retired and we need to make something special for him, and he replied:

"Screw him! Give him a dollar!" .................. but the breakfast was my idea."

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Two drunks are on a 747, seated in the back near the LOO.

Shortly after the plane levels off, there's a loud explosion off the left side. Flames, smoke, etc... the pilot comes on and goes, "Ladies & Gentlemen, no need for alarm but we have lost one of our port engines. This plane was designed to fly on three engines but we will be about 45 minutes late to our final destination."

About 20 minutes later, "BOOM!" An explosion off the right side. "Ladies & Gentlemen, no need for alarm but we have lost one of our starboard engines. This plane was designed to fly on two engines but we will be about 90 minutes late to our final destination."

About 20 minutes later, "BOOM!" ANOTHER explosion off the left side. "Ladies & Gentlemen, no need for alarm but we have lost our remaining port engine. This plane was designed to fly on one engine but we will be about 120 minutes late to our final destination."

One guy looks at the other and goes, "MAN, I hope that last engine doesn't go."

"For real, we'll be up here all freakin' day."

Haha

Sent from my SM-N900V using Tapatalk

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A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

Edited by LayzieDES
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A man walks along the beach and finds an ancient lamp. He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.

She says "You can have three wishes, but I must warn you that my powers will grant your mother-in-law all you wish for times two."

The man thinks it over and says "OK...for the first wish I would like to have enough money for me to live the rest of my life comfortably...so let's make it 500 million dollars". The genie says "Your wish is granted, and now your mother-in-law has 1 billion dollars."

The man says "For my second wish, I'd like the most beautiful home looking over the Pacific Ocean...fully furnished with anything I could imagine". Genie says "Your wish is granted, and now your mother-in-law has two such houses".

The man thinks really hard and says "For my final wish, I'd like you to create a baseball bat and beat me half to death with it."

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Why not buy a flying truck?
You've got to buy them for sure, because no one ever gives a flying truck.

Lame - o......:eektf:

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Lone Ranger and Silver are captured by an angry tribe. LR asks for a last request, he goes over and whispers in Silvers left ear and Silver tears out of there. LR asks that the Tribe not kill him till Silvers return. They agree.

2 hrs later, Silver arrives w/an SOTB approved blonde. The Chief says, "LR, you are a mighty warrior! We will let you live another day". Next day LR asks the Chief the same request, the Chief gladly grants the wish. LR whispers in Silvers right ear and he then runs off again.

After 2 hrs, Silver returns w/ a red haired woman of similar pulchritude to the blonde. The Chief gives LR another day of life. Next day LR asks the same request again. It is granted. This time, LR grabs Silver by both ears, looks him in the eyes and shouts "POSSE, SILVER. POSSE"!

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It's not Monday - but what the heck.

How do you know the tooth brush wasn't invented in West Virginia?

Because if it had been invented someplace else it would have been called "the teeth brush."

:D

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What do you call it when a rancher culls a sheep from his flock? ... A laaamb inectomy.

Some internet sites have insider only content. I think You Tube should do this. They can call it "inner tube".

Some animals chew their cud. How would you know if they develop acid reflux?

I always like to have a cup of chai tea after a session of tai chi.

A couple decides to quit the corporate world and start their own business. They are well known for entertaining so they decide to start a restaurant. After extensive planning, opening day comes and hardly anyone shows up. Perplexed, they ask a friend for feedback. What did we do wrong? You guys are great, the food is great, the atmosphere is great, and I think it's cute that you named the restaurant after yourselves. But, think about it...who wants to eat at a place called the "Sam & Ella Cafe" (I know it's Sal monella but work with me).

All of these are original lame jokes, although I heard a comedian later do the tai chi joke. I didn't know whether to feel proud or violated.

Edited by PA Bird Fan

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell YOU, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo. Someone stole tent."

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As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

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The other day my 13 year old son asks me out of the blue, "Dad, how did cannibalism get started?" I said, "I don't know buddy, we sent someone to find out and they never came back." He laughed but wasn't done. Next question, "Well, do cannibals live alone?" "Yeah, ...eventually."

How do you answer kids questions like these? He really wanted to know.

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