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Help! Rejected Engagement Ring!

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It's a little more complicated than that. Obviously, clothes, make-up and jewelry all trigger aesthetic responses. Some women are more engaged in aesthetics than others - but it's not shallow.

We all care about appearances. But some people derive more pleasure out of good design than others.

I'd also like to step in and say this: all of this judgment of a woman we don't know is a bit beyond the pale. O119, you've spent 17 mos. with her - for someone to tell you to run away now because there's a kink in the communications, well...that's awfully presumptuous.

I don't know her, but I would say that there's a symmetry to this situation that's being ignored. If the ring shouldn't be a big deal to her, then it shouldn't be a big deal that she'd like a different one, to you.

How the economics of that work out, we'll just have to see. But discussing this aspect of it with her is wise. If you have to re-sell the ring you bought at some kind of loss (I would think diamonds don't depreciate greatly) then discuss with her making up for that loss by taking funds ear-marked for something else to make up for it. You shouldn't suffer a loss because she has a certain aesthetic sense. But she shouldn't be forced to wear a ring she doesn't appreciate.

If the funds come from the wedding, so be it. The honeymoon, so be it. Whatever. Both sides just need to sacrifice a bit to make this work.

Fair enough. So I'm presumptuous. :rolleyes: He was soliciting opinions based on what he posted and I obliged.

Based on what o119 said, it reeks of materialism and an overall lack of gratitude. His trust was violated by a potential future in-law. Sure he should talk to her, but I'm skeptical, justified or not. It's a situation I'd want no part of.

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Fair enough. So I'm presumptuous. :rolleyes: He was soliciting opinions based on what he posted and I obliged.

Based on what o119 said, it reeks of materialism and an overall lack of gratitude. His trust was violated by a potential future in-law. Sure he should talk to her, but I'm skeptical, justified or not. It's a situation I'd want no part of.

I didn't mean to seem like I was picking you out in particular. I had really only skimmed through the posts.

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As a psych major with a focus on interpersonal relationships, I could give you my opinion (at least the best I can do without meeting her), but I don't really like to put things like that out for everyone to see, it's kinda rude. I can give you some thoughts over PM if you want though.

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Like I said...dates back to dowries. The ring is the "price" you're paying to make the family union. It's actually fairly insulting when you think about it.

I refused to marry my wife until her family caved to my demand for 11 goats and a bag of Frankincense.

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Oh, man...threads like this just make my day! Thanks for reminding me--yet again--how good I have it! I've had the great good fortune to spend the last 13+ years with a wonderful woman who is smarter than me, better looking than me, taller than me, makes more money than me...and who--thank goodness--has appalling taste in men!

Did I mention that she doesn't like rings "that stick off her finger" so an engagement ring was never in play, even if we were considering marriage? And that I like her parents and sister much, much better than my own?

I could go on, but that might just spark a tidal wave on neg rep.

BTW, all of this is truly irrelevant to your situation...except that it does indicate that every situation is different.

Good luck with yours.

MM

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Oh, man...threads like this just make my day! Thanks for reminding me--yet again--how good I have it! I've had the great good fortune to spend the last 13+ years with a wonderful woman who is smarter than me, better looking than me, taller than me, makes more money than me...and who--thank goodness--has appalling taste in men!

Did I mention that she doesn't like rings "that stick off her finger" so an engagement ring was never in play, even if we were considering marriage? And that I like her parents and sister much, much better than my own?

I could go on, but that might just spark a tidal wave on neg rep.

BTW, all of this is truly irrelevant to your situation...except that it does indicate that every situation is different.

Good luck with yours.

MM

You know, considering the situation that o119 is put in, bragging about how great you have it might NOT be in the best taste. But what do I know.

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Oh, man...threads like this just make my day! Thanks for reminding me--yet again--how good I have it! I've had the great good fortune to spend the last 13+ years with a wonderful woman who is smarter than me, better looking than me, taller than me, makes more money than me...and who--thank goodness--has appalling taste in men!

Did I mention that she doesn't like rings "that stick off her finger" so an engagement ring was never in play, even if we were considering marriage? And that I like her parents and sister much, much better than my own?

I could go on, but that might just spark a tidal wave on neg rep.

BTW, all of this is truly irrelevant to your situation...except that it does indicate that every situation is different.

Good luck with yours.

MM

Amen to that! The same exact thought crossed my mind..."Man, I'm sooo glad I married who I married."

Ditto on the parents thing. I love my mom and dad, but I'm the rare guy absolutely loves his in-laws. My wife's sisters are bat-dung crazy, but I love 'em nonetheless!

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I didn't mean to seem like I was picking you out in particular. I had really only skimmed through the posts.

I'll twist your comments any way I wish, Lucky Jim. ;)

Like Mark said...every situation is different. I hope o119 works it out.

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To be fair, marriage and love aren't mutually exclusive. Look at all the people who get married who aren't actually in love, or look at how many people who are very much in love who get married and it ruins that love. I understand the basic concept behind "don't get married if you don't have to." Different strokes for different folks. Because, you see, the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you might not be right for some...
I'm reminded of one of the rare Doug Stanhope bits that is both poignant and funny.

If marriage didn't already exist, would you invent it? Who would say "You know what you and I have here is awesome. You know what would make it better though!? Let's go out and get the government involved in this!"

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Here's the advice I'd give, and I don't mean any disrespect to anybody on here:

Don't use a bunch of anonymous people on teh interwebs as your primary source of advice when making probably the biggest decision of your life. Talk to people who you trust and who actually know both you and your old lady.

Hope everything works out for you.

I agree with this. Also, you really should talk to her about it. It might be tough to broach the subject, but if you can't communicate with her about this, what will happen when other issues arise during the course of your relationship?

And while the subject matter isn't funny at all, I did find some humor in the gaudy rings in the Google ad at the bottom of the page.

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It sounds like the OP's girlfriend is concerned with the type of ring she has, to impress her friends and family. She should be more concerned with impressing people with her future husband.

I've said if before here a few times:

Engagement ring

Wedding ring

Suffering

Engagement rings can get upgraded. I bought the Mrs a one-carat diamond way back when in a nice setting and she was quite pleased. On our 10th anniversary, we put it in a different setting with some smaller diamonds.

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Of course if I were her I would have let my boyfriend know soon after the relationship started getting serious that I thought the man and woman should pick out an engagement ring together to avoid such misunderstandings. Really I can't understand why anybody likes engagement rings. They are nothing but a waste of money and a source of unnecessary contention.

Word. So much word. I get all the warnings here about how her behavior is a red light, but how about the fact that you picked out a ring for her to wear for the rest of her life without giving her input? I'm not saying the ring should be the most important thing. Not even a little bit. I'd way rather get, like, engagement season tickets than an engagement ring. But you're committing to spend the rest of your life with a woman where presumably you will share and discuss and work on everything together, but you just spend thousands of dollars on a piece of jewelry she needs to wear every single day for the rest of her life and you don't understand why she wants to help make the decision?

Maybe she is shallow. Maybe this is a warning sign. Maybe all of those things. It's tough to know without actually knowing you two. But maybe buying a ring without her is just as big an issue.

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