Duquette Leaving Orioles to Take Position as U.S. Secretary of Agriculture

[Barnaby Graves]

BALTIMORE, MD--The Baltimore Orioles are in shock tonight after President Obama announced the appointment of their General Manager, Dan Duquette, to lead the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

The appointment comes on the heels of the departure of former Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack, who resigned on Tuesday. Vilsack was under investigation by USDA Internal Affairs for his alleged involvement in a tangerine-laundering scheme in which CIA operatives supplied Syrian rebels with dietary fiber and over 100% of their daily requirement of Vitamin C.

As the new USDA Secretary, Duquette will be responsible for managing multiple organizations which ensure the safety of the country's food supply, the health of its forests, as well as the food stamp system. He will also be solely responsible for keeping the entire state of Wyoming free of weeds.

Reaction in the Orioles organization ranged from anger and shock, to acceptance and nonplus.

"After the Toronto debacle, Duquette was clearly angry about his opportunities being scuttled, and I think everyone in the organization knew what was about to happen," said Orioles broadcaster and hat model Gary Thorne. "The Orioles are just a mid-market team, and Dan has had his eye on the USDA job for a long time. He's going to be in the national spotlight, and he's going to be leading an entire Department. He won't have to answer to Peter Angelos anymore, and he's free to develop the nation's most promising fruits and vegetables as he sees fit. Not to mention, he'll be able to go abroad and import any amount of international talent. This country will be stocked! Sprouts from Brussels, artichokes from Jerusalem, cherries from Cedar Bay!"

"OH, MERCY!" added Thorne.

Many in the media speculated Duquette was interested in the USDA job as his press conferences became more produce-centric.

Fan reaction on the internet was strongly negative, with many laying the blame directly at team owner Peter Angelos' feet.

"Let's face it, Duke knew he wasn't going to get anywhere with Peter Pickpockets at the helm," wrote a poster on OriolesHangout.com, the internet's largest Oriole fansite and 8th-largest collection of manic-depressives. "He's working his butt off to get this team into the playoffs, just to see all that stadium and TV revenue go right into Petey's gyros. Our budget barely cracks $100 million while the USDA's budget was $146 billion last year. I bet Andrew Miller would have been closing for them this year."

A sweaty, blurry, and strangely misshapen Dan Duquette works on his pumpkin farm in rural Virginia.

Player reaction was a mix of disappointment and resilience, with Adam Jones taking a familiar role as leader and spokesman.

"Hey man, I don't care if our GM is a cardboard cutout of Rachel Phelps, or even Ruben Amaro, Jr. We're going to play our asses off for 162 games this year, and we're not stopping until we win the World Series."

"Do you think you'll do it?" asked one reporter.

Replied Jones, "Lettuce hope so."

Yeah I know I'm an hour early but I have to get up for work tomorrow

[Rich Mac]

In a further development, only compounding an already fluid situation, it appears that Duquette has already been offered the position of Iranian Foreign Affairs Minister.

This is seen by many to be a sly and intimidating move on the part of the Iranians to re-ignite their faltering nuclear negotiations with the international community. Since Foreign Affairs Minister would be considered a promotion over Secretary of Agriculture, it is feared that there is little the International Courts of The Hague would be able to do to stop this transition.

[byrdz]

Hilarious stuff, keep it up, Pumpkin love! Still got an affinity for orange.

[Frobby]

Fantastic stuff! I especially liked the description of OH as "the 8th largest collection of manic-depressives" on the Internet.

[Ohfan67]

Fantastic! Happy April Fools day!

[weams]

BALTIMORE, MD--The Baltimore Orioles are in shock tonight after President Obama announced the appointment of their General Manager, Dan Duquette, to lead the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

The appointment comes on the heels of the departure of former Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack, who resigned on Tuesday. Vilsack was under investigation by USDA Internal Affairs for his alleged involvement in a tangerine-laundering scheme in which CIA operatives supplied Syrian rebels with dietary fiber and over 100% of their daily requirement of Vitamin C.

As the new USDA Secretary, Duquette will be responsible for managing multiple organizations which ensure the safety of the country's food supply, the health of its forests, as well as the food stamp system. He will also be solely responsible for keeping the entire state of Wyoming free of weeds.

Reaction in the Orioles organization ranged from anger and shock, to acceptance and nonplus.

"After the Toronto debacle, Duquette was clearly angry about his opportunities being scuttled, and I think everyone in the organization knew what was about to happen," said Orioles broadcaster and hat model Gary Thorne. "The Orioles are just a mid-market team, and Dan has had his eye on the USDA job for a long time. He's going to be in the national spotlight, and he's going to be leading an entire Department. He won't have to answer to Peter Angelos anymore, and he's free to develop the nation's most promising fruits and vegetables as he sees fit. Not to mention, he'll be able to go abroad and import any amount of international talent. This country will be stocked! Sprouts from Brussels, artichokes from Jerusalem, cherries from Cedar Bay!"

"OH, MERCY!" added Thorne.

Many in the media speculated Duquette was interested in the USDA job as his press conferences became more produce-centric.

Fan reaction on the internet was strongly negative, with many laying the blame directly at team owner Peter Angelos' feet.

"Let's face it, Duke knew he wasn't going to get anywhere with Peter Pickpockets at the helm," wrote a poster on OriolesHangout.com, the internet's largest Oriole fansite and 8th-largest collection of manic-depressives. "He's working his butt off to get this team into the playoffs, just to see all that stadium and TV revenue go right into Petey's gyros. Our budget barely cracks $100 million while the USDA's budget was $146 billion last year. I bet Andrew Miller would have been closing for them this year."

A sweaty, blurry, and strangely misshapen Dan Duquette works on his pumpkin farm in rural Virginia.

Player reaction was a mix of disappointment and resilience, with Adam Jones taking a familiar role as leader and spokesman.

"Hey man, I don't care if our GM is a cardboard cutout of Rachel Phelps, or even Ruben Amaro, Jr. We're going to play our asses off for 162 games this year, and we're not stopping until we win the World Series."

"Do you think you'll do it?" asked one reporter.

Replied Jones, "Lettuce hope so."

Yeah I know I'm an hour early but I have to get up for work tomorrow

Front page. Bravo.

[Tx Oriole]

BALTIMORE, MD--The Baltimore Orioles are in shock tonight after President Obama announced the appointment of their General Manager, Dan Duquette, to lead the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

The appointment comes on the heels of the departure of former Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack, who resigned on Tuesday. Vilsack was under investigation by USDA Internal Affairs for his alleged involvement in a tangerine-laundering scheme in which CIA operatives supplied Syrian rebels with dietary fiber and over 100% of their daily requirement of Vitamin C.

As the new USDA Secretary, Duquette will be responsible for managing multiple organizations which ensure the safety of the country's food supply, the health of its forests, as well as the food stamp system. He will also be solely responsible for keeping the entire state of Wyoming free of weeds.

Reaction in the Orioles organization ranged from anger and shock, to acceptance and nonplus.

"After the Toronto debacle, Duquette was clearly angry about his opportunities being scuttled, and I think everyone in the organization knew what was about to happen," said Orioles broadcaster and hat model Gary Thorne. "The Orioles are just a mid-market team, and Dan has had his eye on the USDA job for a long time. He's going to be in the national spotlight, and he's going to be leading an entire Department. He won't have to answer to Peter Angelos anymore, and he's free to develop the nation's most promising fruits and vegetables as he sees fit. Not to mention, he'll be able to go abroad and import any amount of international talent. This country will be stocked! Sprouts from Brussels, artichokes from Jerusalem, cherries from Cedar Bay!"

"OH, MERCY!" added Thorne.

Many in the media speculated Duquette was interested in the USDA job as his press conferences became more produce-centric.

Fan reaction on the internet was strongly negative, with many laying the blame directly at team owner Peter Angelos' feet.

"Let's face it, Duke knew he wasn't going to get anywhere with Peter Pickpockets at the helm," wrote a poster on OriolesHangout.com, the internet's largest Oriole fansite and 8th-largest collection of manic-depressives. "He's working his butt off to get this team into the playoffs, just to see all that stadium and TV revenue go right into Petey's gyros. Our budget barely cracks $100 million while the USDA's budget was $146 billion last year. I bet Andrew Miller would have been closing for them this year."

A sweaty, blurry, and strangely misshapen Dan Duquette works on his pumpkin farm in rural Virginia.

Player reaction was a mix of disappointment and resilience, with Adam Jones taking a familiar role as leader and spokesman.

"Hey man, I don't care if our GM is a cardboard cutout of Rachel Phelps, or even Ruben Amaro, Jr. We're going to play our asses off for 162 games this year, and we're not stopping until we win the World Series."

"Do you think you'll do it?" asked one reporter.

Replied Jones, "Lettuce hope so."

Yeah I know I'm an hour early but I have to get up for work tomorrow

April Fools crap?

[Redskins Rick]

Too funny. I nominate this thread for classic OH.

[backwardsk]

Ugh! Why can't Adam Jones just keep his thoughts to himself?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[weams]

Ugh! Why can't Adam Jones just keep his thoughts to himself?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It really is a sickness with him.

[MrOrange82]

Fantastic stuff! I especially liked the description of OH as "the 8th largest collection of manic-depressives" on the Internet.

I am alternatively PSYCHED and dismayed by that appraisal.

[Number5]

I can't wait to hear DD's crop report on concentrated frozen orange juice.

[weams]

I can't wait to hear DD's crop report on concentrated frozen orange juice.

It will be emotional. I'm certain.

[OFFNY]

o

So, he is staying in the United States ???

A gig with the Blue Jays would have taken him across the border.

[Ohfan67]

April Fools crap?

No. This is a real story. I didn't believe it at first, but then I saw it on multiple news websites. Camden Yards news conference in a few hours. Crazy story, but totally true.