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Top Ten Reasons the Orioles Can't Pitch


larrytt

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10) Your average pitcher is 6'4", 220 pounds of muscle. Your average oriole is about 7" of fluff and feathers. It's actually a bit pathetic watching these poor little creatures rolling the ball toward the plate with their little wings, and yet some get paid as much as $13 million per year.

9) We have a great starting rotation, but Buck prefers to play them at first, second, shortstop, third, and catcher. The outfield could make up half the bullpen.

8) You try pitching effectively when people on OriolesHangout.com are making fun of you. Many an Oriole pitcher has been known to cry himself to sleep after reading the hurtful things written about them. Manager Buck implemented a "No Internet" policy in the clubhouse to protect these young, sensitive minds, but the damage has been done.

7) Few people realize it, but Manager Buck didn't use to pilot the team alone - he relied on Orioleshangout.com as his copilot on all decisions about any Oriole Pitcher. But too many hurtful things have been said, and so now he's trying to do it alone - and he's just not up to it. He needs to bring back his Copilot - after all, Oriole Pitcher is just an anagram for "Rehire Copilot." (Hey, fan managing worked before!)

6) Oriole pitchers don't need to pitch well. They only need an agent who can pitch their services, and those agents are the best pitchers on the team. ("Arrietta? Are you kidding me!!! You don't want that bum. You want my guy, Ubaldo!")

5) You don't need good pitching if you have nine guys who can hit 40 home runs. Okay, we're close ... imagine if Oriole hitters faced Oriole pitching!!! (Let's just hope the Pentagon never hears about this new force of nature that would make A-bombs seem like feeble-minded fireflies.)

4) The Orioles are looking for Pitching in all the wrong places - in the minor leagues, free agents, trades, and so on. How silly! They can find their pitching on picture night, where players pose for fans to take pictures - after all "Pic Night" is just an anagram for "Pitching."

3) No, you can't get pitching from a pitcher plant. But if we put a few of these carnivorous plants - really big ones - in the Blue Jay and Red Sox clubhouses, and perhaps we'll get rid of whatever pitching they may have, as well as their other players. And sticking with a flora theme, Oriole pitchers should burn all opposing sources of ash trees. Okay, all available sources of any type of wood. And plastic too, since a wifflebat would terrorize Oriole pitching.

2) In the mid-to-late 1960s, when the Orioles first became a great team, there was a TV show called Get Smart. It featured an organization called Control that battled the forces of evil. But apparently they lost, since Oriole pitchers prove there is no Control.

1) The Orioles just aren't Weekend Warriors. They are dead last in the AL in ERA on both Saturdays (5.83) and Sundays (4.79). What the heck are they doing on Friday and Saturday nights?!!!

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10) Your average pitcher is 6'4", 220 pounds of muscle. Your average oriole is about 7" of fluff and feathers. It's actually a bit pathetic watching these poor little creatures rolling the ball toward the plate with their little wings, and yet some get paid as much as $13 million per year.

9) We have a great starting rotation, but Buck prefers to play them at first, second, shortstop, third, and catcher. The outfield could make up half the bullpen.

8) You try pitching effectively when people on OriolesHangout.com are making fun of you. Many an Oriole pitcher has been known to cry himself to sleep after reading the hurtful things written about them. Manager Buck implemented a "No Internet" policy in the clubhouse to protect these young, sensitive minds, but the damage has been done.

7) Few people realize it, but Manager Buck didn't use to pilot the team alone - he relied on Orioleshangout.com as his copilot on all decisions about any Oriole Pitcher. But too many hurtful things have been said, and so now he's trying to do it alone - and he's just not up to it. He needs to bring back his Copilot - after all, Oriole Pitcher is just an anagram for "Rehire Copilot." (Hey, fan managing worked before!)

6) Oriole pitchers don't need to pitch well. They only need an agent who can pitch their services, and those agents are the best pitchers on the team. ("Arrietta? Are you kidding me!!! You don't want that bum. You want my guy, Ubaldo!")

5) You don't need good pitching if you have nine guys who can hit 40 home runs. Okay, we're close ... imagine if Oriole hitters faced Oriole pitching!!! (Let's just hope the Pentagon never hears about this new force of nature that would make A-bombs seem like feeble-minded fireflies.)

4) The Orioles are looking for Pitching in all the wrong places - in the minor leagues, free agents, trades, and so on. How silly! They can find their pitching on picture night, where players pose for fans to take pictures - after all "Pic Night" is just an anagram for "Pitching."

3) No, you can't get pitching from a pitcher plant. But if we put a few of these carnivorous plants - really big ones - in the Blue Jay and Red Sox clubhouses, and perhaps we'll get rid of whatever pitching they may have, as well as their other players. And sticking with a flora theme, Oriole pitchers should burn all opposing sources of ash trees. Okay, all available sources of any type of wood. And plastic too, since a wifflebat would terrorize Oriole pitching.

2) In the mid-to-late 1960s, when the Orioles first became a great team, there was a TV show called Get Smart. It featured an organization called Control that battled the forces of evil. But apparently they lost, since Oriole pitchers prove there is no Control.

1) The Orioles just aren't Weekend Warriors. They are dead last in the AL in ERA on both Saturdays (5.83) and Sundays (4.79). What the heck are they doing on Friday and Saturday nights?!!!

Great as always.

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