MPK76
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Posts posted by MPK76
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According to reports that I read this morning, Lawler is in stable condition and breathing on his own. His life was saved by the EMT's backstage before taking him to the hospital.
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Anti-Rants
in Rants
I just found out that I will be going to the O's game on July 14th. The Jim Palmer sculpture game. I will be in my company skybox. :2yay-thumb:
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Anti-Rants
in Rants
My (future) step daughter's 10U softball team won again last night to improve to 7-0 for the season! :clap3:
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Funny stuff - did you compose this?
....
No, this was sent to me about 5 years ago in an e-mail. It's pretty funny stuff though!!
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So...real quick. What's the etiquette on letting one rip in the bathroom while others are present? I'm curious.
I posted this a couple of years ago, but it has something about this very thing... see the Escapee.
HOW TO POOP AT WORKWe've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly
felt something brewing down below. As much as we try
to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a
whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful
when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are
others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next
to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear
it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for
all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not
panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time
the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help
you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a
very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter
the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or
her arm. Always look around the office for the
Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce
the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur
when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will
remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you
hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANNA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an
Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it
difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom
attendees.
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Time to start occasionally posting again and time for a handle change.....
Formerly "Mpkdaman"
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Anti-Rants
in Rants
I am sorry you are having a hard time:(Anything I can do let me know..k?
Thank you for your concern Cindy. I am having some very personal and serious issues at home. Just please keep me in your thoughts as I try to get through this extremely difficult time.
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Anti-Rants
in Rants
Thank God for having such great friends to help me through the toughest moment of my life.
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I got home from work the other day and after I parked my car, I was walking by my truck when something caught my eye. There was something on my truck. As I got closer, I found out it was an egg that was smashed on the side of my truck! It must have been done after I went to work in the morning. So the eggg got to bake all day on the side of my truck in the sun. I had to use warm water and scrub it to get it off, but there is still an outline. I now need to use rubbing compound and hope it comes out. :cussing:
The only thing I can think of was one of the high school kids that walks by my house in the morning must have decided to be an a-hole!! Punk kids making me mad!! :angryfire:
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I usually surf with 6-10 tabs open and I think I left hir profile open the other day while I was on one of my marathon Achewood binges and zie sent me this "I noticed you looked at my profile. See anything you like?" type message and I said that one of those pairs of shoes looks uncomfortable and then zie was like "So you like looking at my shoes, huh?" and I was like "Okay............?"
I was curious to see what everyone was talking about, so I did check out it's profile. A couple hours later, I received that same message from it. So to humor myself, I responded back about how nice the pictures were. It kept responding back wanting to know what picture was my favorite. I just kept responding that I liked the ones with just the shoes. I guess it got tired of me not seriously answering the question, so it eventually stopped PM'ing me.... and I didn't even get an invite to Carolina to go to a photo shoot.
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I can't stand it when coworkers decide to clip their fingernails in the office. I have to hear that damn clipping sound every 3 or so weeks from the guy that sits diagonal from me in our office. I have asked nicely, and not so nicely, to do that kind of stuff at home. He still won't listen to me. It drives me crazy!!
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I try to send this to the new guys when they start working at our office.
HOW TO POOP AT WORKWe've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly
felt something brewing down below. As much as we try
to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a
whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful
when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are
others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next
to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear
it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for
all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not
panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time
the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help
you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a
very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter
the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or
her arm. Always look around the office for the
Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce
the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur
when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will
remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you
hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANNA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an
Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it
difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom
attendees.
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I thought this would be appropriate to be put in this thread.
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It's okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
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Okay. Almost drunk. I guess taht's what happens when I drink a 12 pack by myself..oh well. Anyway, a couple of warped observations....
Orioles:
Bullpen Sucks
Team getting the losing mentality
Ravens:
Defense is looking great
Offense is kindaa remindin me of Kyle Boller days...(don't yell at me)
Home improvements:
Unless I did the work myself, do you realize how expensive it is to get work done?? I just spent almost 7 grand for new windows at my house..and it's a rancher!!!
Gas prices:
I'm glad to see prices are dropping...finaly...must have been the summer. I don't think they'd lower their prices cause they'd be investigated for price gouging...:002_smad:
Election signs:
I don't kno about you, bu I am getting sick and tired of seeing election signs all over the place.....
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Pro Wrestling Thread
in Pro Wrestling
Posted
It looks like Lawler had heart surgery. He had a stint and a balloon put in.
LINK