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Top Ten Ways to Fix Oriole Pitching


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10) Put out a nationwide APB for Good Ubaldo. Then do the same for Good Kevin, Good Dylan, Good Wade, Good Alec, and Good Chris.

9) Bring in a bunch of mosquitos. Let them loose in the clubhouse. When a player gets bitten and has an itch, hire Scott Boros to represent that itch. Boros will become the best itch rep in the business. Then put Boros in the starting rotation because he’s the best Itch Rep, and that’s just an anagram for Pitcher.

8) Orioles are tiny birds, weighing less than 1.5 ounces. A baseball weighs 5.25 ounces, over 3.5 times the weight of an Oriole, so of course an Oriole cannot throw a baseball very hard. It’s time we became the Baltimore Rocs!

7) We’ve given up 66 runs in our last 8 games, an average of 8.25 per game. It takes an average starter twice that many games to give up that many!!! So while most teams have five starters, we only need 2.5 to get the same production. Then we can bring in Aaron Judge, Paul Goldschmidt, and (since he’s injured and will miss half the season) half of Mike Trout, and perhaps we can average 8.26 runs per game.

6) C’mon, the idea of bringing in Jim Palmer is ridiculous, the guy’s 71 years old. On the other hand, they’ve cloned dogs, cats, and lots of other mammals. . . .

5) On the other hand, perhaps 71-year-old Jim Palmer could make this starting rotation.

4) Here is the Orioles ERA by day: Sun 5.51; Mon 5:67; Tue 5.59; Wed 3.87; Thu 4.24 Fri 5.28; Sat 6.13. Time for us to copy football, play Wednesday Night Baseball, and then pray for six days of rain.

3) If practice makes perfect, we’re well on our way to #1 as we lead the majors in total pitches at 11,824.

2) We’ve got a 5.20 team ERA (last in the majors), we’re got the worst pitching staff in baseball 52 weeks a year, and pitching well this year just isn’t in the cards, which come from a deck of 52. The answer to our problems is practically screaming at us – sign #52 C.C. Sabathia!!!

1) Next time an opposing team says, “Give me five!”, just say NO!

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1 hour ago, DirtyBird said:


I have no idea who this is or what it means. Are you saying no to all ten of my "recommendations"? Even "Next time an opposing team says, 'Give me five!', just say NO!"? I guess we could give five for the 21st time in a row....

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  • 4 weeks later...

We should trade Manny with Davis and Britton to the Dodgers in a multi-player deal with Alex Wood one of the pitchers coming back. With some of the prospects and ml players coming back in the deal we package some of their prospects with ours to obtain Sonny Gray P. We also package some veterans in a deal for Trevor Cahill and Wil Myers.

Gray, Wood and Cahill will be our top three starters and immediately start piling up innings and wins.  Not enough time to detail these deals.

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