Top Ten Reasons the Orioles are Struggling

[larrytt]

10) Blame Buck. Ever since he outlawed strip poker in the locker room they’ve been playing injury poker, and everyone’s losing. Just yesterday the clubhouse boy pulled a royal flush to Chris Davis’s four K’s (kings), giving Chris an oblique strain.

9) Blame the fans. They constantly scream “Go O’s!” which is like saying “Go Nils!” which is an anagram for “Losing.”

8) Casey Stengel saw a clubhouse full of bad players and said, “Can’t anyone here play this game?” Buck saw a clubhouse full of injured players and said, “Ditto.”

7) #2 hitter Adam has a .298 OBP. #3 hitter Manny is hitting .218. #4 hitter Chris is hitting .226. #5 hitter Mark, who led the majors in home runs last year with 47, has eight this year and is slugging .396. Shortstop A.J. is hitting .210. (What did Casey say?)

6) Anyone who thinks the Orioles are struggling should keep in mind what would happen if they played the ’62 Mets, considered the worst team in history. Of course, most of the ’62 Mets are in their 80s, so we’d probably win. Maybe we should challenge the ’69 “Miracle Mets” to a rematch, now that they are all in their 70s? Can 73-year-old Tom Seaver strike out Chris Davis? Let’s not find out.

5) They may be struggling at Camden Yards, but they just won the Mercy Medical Hospital Baseball Championships, defeating a bunch of sick kids from the pediatric wing in extra innings in an exciting game that ended with Manny bowling over blond-haired, almond-eyed, ten-year-old catcher Timmy, hospitalized with a touch of Polio, to score the winning run in the bottom of the twelfth. Timmy was last seen soaring over the grandstand as the Orioles celebrated.

4) They say it’s lonely at the top, but it’s pretty lonely in the O’s clubhouse as well, since everyone is out at Mercy Hospital. Most of the time it’s just Rickard and Kim playing ping-pong while Buck does a daily drive down to Norfolk to pick up anyone that’s available to play.

3) Orioles are 14 out of 15 in the AL in ERA (4.88, beating out the hapless Minnesota Twins), and dead last in starter ERA (5.36) – but they did save a bunch of money buying star insurance at Geico. If Manny hits under .220 and we finish dead last, we get first-round draft picks – and they’re scouting out those sick kids at Mercy Hospital! Go Manny Go!!! (Sung to the tune of “Johnny Be Good,” since we keep hoping Manny’ll be good.)

2) Didn’t Earl say the secret to winning was stolen bases, sacrifices, and triples? (We might have the details wrong here.) We’re dead last in the majors in all three.

1) It’s a long season, we’re currently 32-32, and have 98 games left. As a .500 team, we have a 50-50 chance in each game, meaning we have one in two to the 98th power chance of winning 98 in a row, or 1 in 316,912,650,057,057,350,374,175,801,344 (about one in 317 octillion) of going 130-32. So we’re saying there’s a chance.