Top Ten Things For Orioles Fans To Look Forward To in 2018

[larrytt]

10) It's Spring, time for the annual battle of the pathetic pitchers for the fifth spot on the Oriole rotation . . . except, wait, we already have five starters? There is no battle for the fifth spot? C'mon, this is the Orioles, there HAS to be a pathetic fifth starter, it's part of the modern tradition!!! (Ubaldo, where are you?) Fine, we'll break tradition and go with five solid ones. (Mr. Tillman, we're watching you.)

9) We have shortstops playing second base, shortstop, third base, and center field. We have center fielders playing center field and right field. That's solid defense. (Please, oh please, just once replace Chris Davis at first late in a game with a utility infielder who normally plays shortstop so we can have an historic first - four shortstops playing the infield.)

8) We have a very strong bullpen - and in June, we're scheduled to pick up the best closer in baseball.

7) We'll have Davis, Trumbo, Machado, Schoop, Jones, Mancini, and Beckham batting back to back, all with 20+ homers last year, plus Rasmus, who's hit 20+ three times in his career. FanGraphs projects a 52% chance the O's will break the all-time single-season home run record of 264 by the 1997 Mariners - and in fact project the Orioles to hit 269, with projections of 34 by Davis and Machado, 31 by Schoop, 29 by Trumbo, 28 by Jones, 25 by Mancini, and 22 by Beckham and Rasmus. But Chris Davis has hit 53 and 47 before, so I'm thinking we add another 15 to his projection. We'll have 20+ homers from every starter except at catcher - Mr. Cisco, prove us wrong! Oh, and Mr. Trumbo, who hit 47 in 2016 - we'll be watching you! (Imagine Davis and Trumbo both getting around 45, Machado and Schoop at 35, and four others at around 30 each.) And Jones at 28? Hasn't he (like Steady Eddie before him) hit exactly 30 home runs every year for the past 500 years?

6) The Orioles Achilles heel is they don't walk that often. But all we need are one walk and five home runs per game, and that's six runs per game, which should lead the majors.

5) In October this year the Unmanned European-Japanese BepiColombo spacecraft is scheduled to be launched to Mercury. Also that month the U.S. missile defense complex in Poland is expected to be operational. This is all fake news. The BepiColombo spacecraft was designed to nab Orioles home runs out of outer space before they fall back to earth and cause damage. The U.S. Missile defense complex in Poland is designed to stop any Oriole home runs that do fall back to earth.

4) FanGraphs projects the Orioles to hit 269 home runs this year, but in reality the Orioles will hit 281, with 0 other teams coming close to us in home run totals or in the standings. How do we know this? Because the year, 2018, is just an anagram for 281/0, or [number of home runs]/[teams that challenge us in home run totals or in the standings]. See how obvious that was?

3) Chris Davis is obviously set to hit a monstrous number of home runs this year. How do we know? The two years before where he hit a monstrous number of home runs were in 2013 and 2015. 2013 ends with a 3 and is divisible by 3, and 2015 ends with 15, which is divisible by 3. 2018 ends with 18, which is also divisible by 3. So obviously he hits a monstrous number of home runs in years associated with 3. Now why would this be? Well, he's 6'3", 230 lbs, he's 32, and was born the third month of 1986, which is divisible by 3 - that's a lot of 3s. The C in Chris is the third letter in the alphabet; he plays first base, which is "3" in baseball numbering; and in his monstrous 2013 season finished third in the MVP voting. Lifetime he has 4701 PA, 4149 AB, 1020 hits, 204 doubles, 267 home runs, 17 stolen bases, 48 HBP, 51 GDP, a .246 batting average, 7515 putouts, 462 assists, 810 double plays, and a cumulative salary of  $72,958,740 - ALL divisible by 3!

2) Every fifth day our new superstar starter Alex Cobb will be pitching, so tune up your cable boxes to watch, as Cable Box is just an anagram for Alex Cobb!

1) We get to watch as day after day the Orioles stand around at first base not getting caught stealing. Last year they led the majors in least getting caught stealing with 13 (while also leading in least steals at 32), with nobody even close - next best was 22 caught stealing by the Yanks and A's, who only got caught that much because they crooked-mindedly stole 90 and 57 bases, respectively. The Orioles are loaded with players who don't get caught stealing, led last year by Schoop, Trumbo, and Mancini, each of whom did not get caught stealing a single time last year while each triumphantly stealing exactly one base, while Caleb Joseph also was never caught stealing in his zero attempts. (Chris Davis and Tim Beckham will try to bounce back from disastrous seasons where both were caught stealing in exactly half of their two attempts, while Adam Jones tries to bounce back after getting caught in exactly one-third of his three attempts.) The Orioles have added to their tradition of not getting caught stealing by adding not-get-caught-stealing superstar Colby Rasmus, who was caught stealing in 2017 a dazzling 0 times on his way to stealing 1 base that year. It wasn't a fluke - twice before he went an entire season without getting caught stealing, going 0-0 in 2011 and 4-0 in 2014. He was caught only once in 2009, 2013, 2015, and 2016, on his way to a dazzling total of just 17 times caught stealing in nine years in the majors, while stealing 35 bases. (As a morale-boosting exercise, Manager Showalter had the Orioles volunteer to pose for college art classes this spring, where they were forced to stand stationary for hours, great preparation for the upcoming season. Orioles star rookie Austin Hays twitched several times, which is why he was optioned to Bowie to work on his stationary skills.) We have another year to look forward Oriole players perched at first base, completely stationary in heroic poses as they stand around not getting caught stealing as they wait for someone to hit a home run. What could be more exciting?