Top Twelve Reasons Cedric Mullins is the Fastest and Greatest Player in History

[larrytt]

 

12. Cedric Mullins is so fast that he was challenged to a race by the Flash. Because they wear baseball caps when they play baseball, the Flash (Jorge Mateo) and Superman (Cedric) didn't recognize each other.

11. Cedric Mullins is so fast that when he runs the bases, he breaks light speed and we go back in time, which is why this year we’re really watching the 1966, 1970, and 1983 Orioles.

10. Cedric Mullins is so fast that Orioles pitchers no longer bother with baseballs. They just grab Cedric and release him, and a split second later he's in the catcher's glove.

9. Cedric Mullins is so fast that when he runs the bases, the friction turns the infield into a small, fiery star as he circles it. Yes, Cedric Mullins is an anagram for Circle Mild Sun.

8. Cedric Mullins is so fast that the Red Sox tried to claim him, not realizing his socks were only red because they were on fire. Then Cedric picked up the pace, the socks went white hot, and the White Sox tried to claim him.

7. Cedric Mullins is so fast that the first time the Orioles saw him in spring training he homered, so they signed him to the Orioles, then he raced out and caught his own home run, and because it was just a long out, the Orioles sent him back to the minors. Eventually he broke his habit of catching his own home runs, though he sometimes mournfully watches them go out, just dying to run them down.

6. After watching an O’s game, Chuck Norris sheepishly replaced his name everywhere with “Cedric Mullins.”

5. Cedric Mullins leads the AL East with an OPS of .975. (For you non-stat people, OPS for stars like Cedric means OPS Plus Strikeout percentage.)

4. Cedric Mullins has stolen exactly 90 bases in his career - he stores them in his mancave at home - and so has been indicted 90 times, exactly one behind the combined indictments of all 46 US presidents in history. Ironically, he has never been indicted for the 26 times he’s been caught stealing, since in those cases he didn’t steal a base. (And let's NOT turn this into a political discussion unless it's about the Yale star first baseman.)

3. Cedric leads the Orioles in OPS on Sundays at 1.023, and (excluding starting catchers) on Thursdays at 1.054. He is a surefire first-ballot addition to the Sunday and Thursday wings of MLB's Hall of Fame. (Just bench him on Tue & Wed - .568 and .452.)

2. When the Orioles went 52-110 in 2021 despite Cedric’s 30 homers and 30 steals, he correctly prophesied that the Orioles were a "Circus I'll Mend." Which, of course, is just an anagram for Cedric Mullins.

1. While the Orioles were flopping in 2021, Salisbury University won the NCAA Championships. There were plans to replace the Orioles Bird with Salisbury's Sammy Seagull. But Cedric vetoed that, pointing out that seagulls can only fly up to 26 mph, which is his average sauntering speed. And so poor Sammy Seagull continues to languish as Salisbury, though he makes occasional appearances at Orioles Hangout.