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Top Ten Reasons the Orioles Have the Worst #5 Starter in History

larrytt

By larrytt
in Orioles Talk

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larrytt Major Leaguer Cup of Coffee

larrytt

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10) The Orioles starting ERA by Tillman, Gausman, Bundy, and the post-Allstar Gallardo is 3.76. The rest of the starters have an ERA of 6.68. According to Professor Davey Johnson (BA in math, Trinity University, 1964; Orioles 2nd baseman, 1965-72; Orioles manager, 1996-1997), 3.76 < 6.68.

9) The Curse of the Brooksbino. They keep trying to replace him with the likes of Ripken and Machado, but as long as they try to replace #5, their #5 will be cursed. The only way to break the curse from the GOAT third baseman is to sacrifice a goat at third base under a full moon (or a large bubble from Adam Jones) as

. Or learn from the Red Sox.

8) Jimenez gets paid $13 million and has a 6.94 ERA. Jimenez Gets Paid $13 million And Has A 6.94 ERA. JIMENEZ GETS PAID $13 MILLION AND HAS A 6.94 ERA!!!

7) If we could just isolate the terror from our "good" starters, all would be well, since "Isolate Terror" is an just an anagram for "Orioles Starter." Of course, if we just give better shoes to our traitorous #5 starters, all would also be well, since "Resole Traitor" is another. Or just bring back someone who can make us better uniforms, since "Restore Tailor" is another. Or perhaps bring in a cussing fan, since "Saltier Rooter" is another. Or just cook a lingering fan, since "Roast Loiterer" is another. But for the moment, our #5 starters will continue to maximize their mistakes, since 'Totalise Error" is another.

6) They keep trying out new #5 pitchers. As long as they continue to Tinker, they won't Ever have a Chance.

5) Jimenez, Wilson, Wright, Miley, and Worley have started 51 games. For the love of God, WHY???!!!

4) Did we mention we're paying Jimenez (6.94 ERA) $13 million? That's enough to buy 8.7 million baseballs from Walmart. If you put 8.7 million baseballs on Orioles field (covering the entire fair area from home plate to the outfield walls), they would stack to a height of about 6'3". Tillman (6'6"), Brach (6'5"), Reimold (6'4"), and Trumbo (6'4") are the only Orioles who'd who'd stick out from under it. (Prof. Davey can verify all this.)

3) It's time to read our Orioles #5 starters their Miranda Warning. Ariel Miranda, before we traded him to the Mariners for Wade Miley, had a 13.50 ERA for the Orioles. Miley has been a major improvement, with a 9.53 ERA. As Prof. Davey can verify, 9.53 < 13.50.

2) Oriole 1-4 pitchers (Tillman, Gausman, Bundy, Gallardo) have committed 3 errors in 436 innings, about one every 145 innings. Oriole #5 starters have committed errors at about four times this rate, with 6 errors in 222 innings, about one every 37 innings. Oh, and the 1-4 starters are batting .200 (2 for 10), while the #5s are hitless wonders at .000 (0 for 3).

1) There's something really, really wrong when our #5 starter is out there and we realize our first baseman could pitch better. Or the rest of our infielders, our utility infielder, our catcher, our center fielder. Or the batboy. Or an old piece of Adam Jones' chewing gum.

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bobmc Hangout Grand Counsel

bobmc

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And I thought Wieters was to blame for the poor pitching.

Well - Caleb is trying so hard to get that first ribbie, I cast the blame on his strong shoulders.....:slytf:

Another fine job of taking one horrific loss and turning it into a fun ride! :clap3: Hear hear*! :beerchug1:

*Thanks weams!

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weams Hangout Grand Counsel

weams

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10) The Orioles starting ERA by Tillman, Gausman, Bundy, and the post-Allstar Gallardo is 3.76. The rest of the starters have an ERA of 6.68. According to Professor Davey Johnson (BA in math, Trinity University, 1964; Orioles 2nd baseman, 1965-72; Orioles manager, 1996-1997), 3.76 < 6.68.

9) The Curse of the Brooksbino. They keep trying to replace him with the likes of Ripken and Machado, but as long as they try to replace #5, their #5 will be cursed. The only way to break the curse from the GOAT third baseman is to sacrifice a goat at third base under a full moon (or a large bubble from Adam Jones) as

. Or learn from the Red Sox.

8) Jimenez gets paid $13 million and has a 6.94 ERA. Jimenez Gets Paid $13 million And Has A 6.94 ERA. JIMENEZ GETS PAID $13 MILLION AND HAS A 6.94 ERA!!!

7) If we could just isolate the terror from our "good" starters, all would be well, since "Isolate Terror" is an just an anagram for "Orioles Starter." Of course, if we just give better shoes to our traitorous #5 starters, all would also be well, since "Resole Traitor" is another. Or just bring back someone who can make us better uniforms, since "Restore Tailor" is another. Or perhaps bring in a cussing fan, since "Saltier Rooter" is another. Or just cook a lingering fan, since "Roast Loiterer" is another. But for the moment, our #5 starters will continue to maximize their mistakes, since 'Totalise Error" is another.

6) They keep trying out new #5 pitchers. As long as they continue to Tinker, they won't Ever have a Chance.

5) Jimenez, Wilson, Wright, Miley, and Worley have started 51 games. For the love of God, WHY???!!!

4) Did we mention we're paying Jimenez (6.94 ERA) $13 million? That's enough to buy 8.7 million baseballs from Walmart. If you put 8.7 million baseballs on Orioles field (covering the entire fair area from home plate to the outfield walls), they would stack to a height of about 6'3". Tillman (6'6"), Brach (6'5"), Reimold (6'4"), and Trumbo (6'4") are the only Orioles who'd who'd stick out from under it. (Prof. Davey can verify all this.)

3) It's time to read our Orioles #5 starters their Miranda Warning. Ariel Miranda, before we traded him to the Mariners for Wade Miley, had a 13.50 ERA for the Orioles. Miley has been a major improvement, with a 9.53 ERA. As Prof. Davey can verify, 9.53 < 13.50.

2) Oriole 1-4 pitchers (Tillman, Gausman, Bundy, Gallardo) have committed 3 errors in 436 innings, about one every 145 innings. Oriole #5 starters have committed errors at about four times this rate, with 6 errors in 222 innings, about one every 37 innings. Oh, and the 1-4 starters are batting .200 (2 for 10), while the #5s are hitless wonders at .000 (0 for 3).

1) There's something really, really wrong when our #5 starter is out there and we realize our first baseman could pitch better. Or the rest of our infielders, our utility infielder, our catcher, our center fielder. Or the batboy. Or an old piece of Adam Jones' chewing gum.

Always brightens my day to see a LarryTT List.

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