Top Ten Ways the Orioles Can Still Win the Division

[larrytt]

10) Ever have that nightmare where you're hitting .164 and slugging .274, then you wake up and realize you are really in the middle of a 50-homer season? Wake up, Chris!

9) "Who's on first?" "Yes." "Fine, as long as it isn't that guy slugging .274!" (Perhaps "Yes" is Kyle Yeske, who played first base for Bluefield in the Appalachian Rookie League in 1992, and for Albany in the South Atlantic Class A league in 1993-1994, batting .236 with 9 home runs.)

8) If you chop a starfish into nine pieces, it grows back as nine starfish. Machado is a starplayer, so we should be able to chop him into nine pieces and, well, you get the idea. 

7) Play good.

6) Recruit God to the team. For only he can remove evil from the world, and as we all know, "Division" is just an anagram for "I Void Sin." (While we're at it, maybe he can do something about them evil Yanks.) 

5) We're 16-6 according to Dyslexians of America.

4) Hire Montgomery Burns as manager. After all, he led the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team to the 1992 Championships over Shelbyville. We'll need Wonder Bat.

3) Grow corn on the playing field. Hope Shoeless Joe Jackson shows up. 

2) Pitching today for the Orioles is Dylan Bundy. Pitching tomorrow for the Orioles is Dylan Bundy. Pitching the day after tomorrow for the Orioles is Dylan Bundy. Pitching three days from now for the Orioles is . . .

1) Hold your index finger up in front of your face. Slowly move it side to side, following it with your eyes. You are getting very sleepy. You are in a deep trance. Your team is the Boston Red Sox. You have never heard of any team called the Baltimore Orioles. When I end this sentence you will wake up and realize you are and always have been a Red Sox fan, and your team is 18-4 and leading the division by 4 games. This sentence is now over. Wake up. 

[Il BuonO]

I’m sure nine Machados in the starting lineup would give me hope. Presumably, one of them pitches.

[Legend_Of_Joey]

11. Hope the rest of the division tests positive.

[Moose Milligan]

#5 was great.

12.  Nancy Kerrigan kneecap night held in the Sox players parking lot after a Friday night game at Fenway.

[Ripken]

The Blue Jays team plane crashes into Yankee stadium during a game with the Red Sox.

[Hallas]

3 hours ago, Il BuonO said:

I’m sure nine Machados in the starting lineup would give me hope. Presumably, one of them pitches.

I’d be happy with 9 machados in the lineup and 5 bundys in the rotation.

[gtman55]

1 hour ago, Ripken said:

The Blue Jays team plane crashes into Yankee stadium during a game with the Red Sox.

The only problem is Tampa Bay might still have a better record than us.

[drjohnnyfeva]

Lmao!  Just sensational.  Thank you!

[Nevermore]

Ubaldo Jimenez is sitting disconsolately on a beach in the Dominican Republic . He stares out at the thundering surf as the waves roll in. "No one wants me, " he ponders. "Because I am such a horrible pitcher. It's useless. I am a total failure." He stares once more at the pounding sea.

Suddenly Ubaldo feels a tapping on his shoulder . He turns his head around. An old lady dressed in gossamer silk and sporting rainbow wings looks kindly at him.  "I am your fairy godmother," she says. "Your team needs you badly."

Ubaldo turns away.  "I can't help the team," he explains. "The last time I pitched, I was so bad that  the fans booed me off the mound, " he murmurs. He suddenly looks up. "Say, is this some scene from Damn Yankees?"  

"Don't worry about the Yankees," the fairy replies.  "They're toast.  They aren't going to win the pennant."  She squats down like a catcher. "Give me your heater!" she exclaims. Somehow a catcher's mitt materializes on her hand.

"I don't have a heater," Ubaldo says. "It's gone."

"Try it, " the fairy insists. Ubaldo winds up and throws. Once the ball reaches the fairy's glove, smoke twirls in spirals from it.

I think you can guess the rest. Ubaldo signs a minor league contract and becomes the new ace of the team. The Orioles tear up the rest of , the Eastern Division , win the championship, roar through the playoffs and reach the World Series.  In the 4th and final game, Ubaldo pitches a perfect game. The Orioles become World Champions. 

And they all lived happily ever after.

The End