Top Ten Ways to Solve the Orioles Closer Problem

larrytt · May 10

10. Craig Kimbrel should continue as our closer. He just needs a little something extra. I know spitballs are illegal, but that homer hose is so conveniently near . . . and when the umpires throw him out for throwing spitballs, we can bring in someone who can throw strikes.

9. Gunnar Henderson should be our closer. Before each pitch have the third baseman roll the ball to Gunnar on the mound. He’ll reflexively grab it and uncork a 120 mph fastball to where he thinks first base must be, except it’ll be a strike over home plate.

8. Cedric Mullins should be our closer. He has an awesome changeup.

7. Mariano Rivera should be our closer. He’s four years younger than Satchel Paige was when he pitched three one-hit shutout innings at age 58. If we package Holliday, Nordby, Kjerstad, Mayo, and Stowers to the Yankees, I’m sure something can be worked out. We may have to throw in Henderson, Westburg, and Cowers. But, gee, Rivera!!!

6. Cole Irvin should be our closer. Sure, we’d love to have some evil icon like Mariano Rivera at his prime, but with Cole Irvin we get (anagram alert!) a Viler Icon.

5. Yennier Cano should be our closer. I can’t think of Anyone Nicer for the role, since that’s an anagram of his name. Plus, he throws angry missiles since his name is also an anagram of Ye Ire Cannon. And if the scoreboard operator, the players, the coaches, and the fans all cooperate, we can convince Cano that the ninth inning is really the eighth.

4. Albert Suarez should be our closer. He is the Tzar of closing, and can do it over and over – his name is just an anagram of Reusable Tzar. (Okay, enough with the anagrams!!!)

3. Shintaro Fujinami should be our closer. Sure, he has a 7.18 ERA in 79 innings pitched lifetime, but late in 2023, after loading the bases, as Brandon Hyde had a heart attack and a million O’s fans held their breath, I distinctively remember him throwing a strike. (Of course, it was Angel Hernandez mistakenly calling it.)

2. Mason Miller should be our closer. If we trade for him, it’ll take him 5 hours to fly from Oakland to Baltimore, and another 2.5 hours to get to the ninth inning. During those 7.5 hours, this rookie with a 3.52 ERA in 7.2 innings pitched in the majors and zero saves will be our Savior.

1. Chris Davis. Need I say more? HE OWES US!!!